Just Exist

 On some days it's really hard and you tell yourself you only want to exist. 

You stare at your computer screen mindlessly clicking away at tabs and chat boxes. 

You are there. But are you really there? 

On another note, school is starting soon. I'm a bit anxious as well as excited about lessons, because of the impending workload and this unmistakable sense of loneliness I can't seem to shake off. 

Here I am, at the cusp of all change and discovery. 

May I be granted with grace, strength and courage to live through every day. 

And then one day, it will get better. 

nulla tenaci invia est via

 My heart wrenches in ways I can't control. I wanna think of something poetic and intelligent to write about, but right now I can't. This entry is to remind myself that everything will be okay. I will be okay. 

"No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself." 

Virginia Woolf  

Unice IVX

In my past life, I must have been a poet! Such sentiments and emotions that swirl up in me...

A Fledgling Bird

"Was the little birdie more upset over the fact that he couldn't fly well, or was it that he had to leave the safety of his mother's nest?" 

Well, well, well... It seems like writing has been reasonably cathartic to me. And hence, I'm back again... just like my old posts that contained reminiscent of my past self. Catching glimpses of the young me in my writing has been refreshing. Hence, I would like to record instances of my younger days for the old me to read. After all, I'm the sort of sentimental person who likes to think about the past. 

Also, the feeling of knowing no one will read this dead space is fairly liberating for me. I can express myself whenever, and however, I want without judgement. 

This idea has been stewing on my mind for quite some time now - I want to write and publish my own novel! There I said it. It has always been difficult for me to quieten my thoughts and I usually have so many creative ideas in my head, but I never work on them. I attribute it to my perfectionistic tendencies - I write a few verses and hate them already. Making it ever so difficult to put my thoughts on pen and paper. 

Yet, this nagging doubt I have in my head of a million "what-ifs" have made themselves squatters in my mind. Now I can't chase them out. Also, I am a believer in serendipity. And these four instances are: 

1) The Golden Point Awards 2021 - the deadlines have closed, but seeing these promotional ads around have motivated me to actually type a very brief summary of how I want my story to pan out. Not gonna lie, the high monetary rewards were an extra motivation as well. 

2) A museum exhibition on cheongsams at the Sun Yat-Sen Museum that recently opened, and I dragged my mom along to visit the gallery. I wanted to soak up any inspiration I could possibly have and produce a cogent piece of work. I feel inspired to link the story back to the history and politics of that era. 

3) An Asian Creative Writing Program that just opened for registrations! I have to type a 500-word writing sample to qualify for the program. The deadlines are on the 10 August, which gives me 6 days left to produce something decent. 

4) A Singaporean Communications graduate wrote her own novel and she was paid millions of dollars for publishing rights. Yes, I know I keep talking about the monetary incentives, but hey, starving artists should learn how to fend for themselves. 

And there you go, all the signs are pointing in the direction of, "Go do it, Unice". And hence, I will go do it. 

Honestly, ever since I was a little girl, I loved reading and writing. It wasn't until I got older, I started realising that people despised these skills. Naturally, I wanted to disassociate myself as much as possible from these endeavours. But I always felt this yearning and emptiness to return back to my roots. Now that I am a bit older, a bit more mature, I have learnt to treat myself with more respect, more grace and take stock of what really matters. 

Cheers to growing up more and learning to treat myself better with each passing year! 

Lots of love, 

Unice 

Recipient of Heartbreaks

Is it peculiar that your heartbreaker is the one who encouraged you to sustain this body of writing? 

It's 3.35am. I can't sleep. My heart is a knotted mess and here I am, recounting my heartbreaks to strangers. Which is actually representative of the current times. I could have been in a bar, with friends, drinking away my sorrows. When in actuality, pandemic restrictions have reduced me to confront my raw, painful feelings while typing away on a keyboard. 

I fashion myself a late bloomer - I have never been really interested in males. Not even in the puppy love kind of way. Not quite sure why, perhaps I'm waiting for my one majestic love to happen or my friends would concur that I have exceedingly high expectations. 

And because of that, I have always been detached from my emotions - romantic ones and have never been attracted to anyone in particular. Come university, I had admirers but alas, I still have not escaped my inability to reciprocate feelings. 

Heartbreaker #1 

That is not until I met G. He felt dangerous (not why I found him attractive), and hence I kept him away at an arm's length during orientation meet-ups. Honestly, I started developing feelings for him only in Y1S2 2019 because we started studying together with the CNM gang. 

However, I would like to caveat that I had a rough start to university - I was undecided on my major, there were so many attractive and popular kids in school, I didn't have that many friends, I was facing family issues and I was really searching for my own identity. I was largely confused, felt unworthy and borderline depressive. 

G is a charismatic guy who can command the room and make everyone laugh. And I guess back then, I needed sunshine in my life to chase away the overcast over my head. I was thereby attracted to his humour, his jovial nature, and his confidence. Perhaps I was trying to find someone complementary to my introverted and downbeat personality. But at the moment, it felt like he came to me at the right place, at the right time. I was attracted to him but still wasn't sure if I liked him enough to be in a committed relationship. And hence, we started hanging out exclusively in terms of "dates". 

Alas, it was a toxic relationship where he would gaslight me into thinking his mistakes were antagonised by me. He was uncaring to my feelings and needs. He became cold towards me. Even though we weren't official, I have always been the type to see through difficulties. But he was nonchalant to that. Hence I put my feet down to end that relationship. 

It took me 2.5 months to get over him - to reconcile my feelings and reality, to wake up to the sobering truth that relationships never pan out the way you want them to. And up till today, I have this nagging doubt in my head that relationships aren't made to last. They all have an expiry date. Like how you'll drink from a carton of milk gleefully, and one day realise you have to rush to the toilet because you consumed expired milk. Upon your realisation, glee would have turned into agony. 

Heartbreaker #2 

When I first met J, he was presenting to a group of students in my school's consulting club. He was rather unassuming and wore a red shirt (from his college residence). I honestly didn't think he's memorable or someone that I'll ever acquaint myself with. 

It wasn't after year-end, December 2019 when we were split into groups and I had to collaborate with him. It was probably 2-3 meetings collectively as a group when I started to take notice of him. Not that he was particularly charming or good looking, but he felt strangely familiar. It's really hard to describe this to anyone but the concept of past life could be applied in this scenario. 

And the exact scene that inspired that sense of familiarity was when we were sitting at the back of A's car and I was just minding my own business - taking pictures, and being curious about his fancy car. We were having a cordial conversation when J would always echo what I was thinking in my head. Also, since we were packed at the back of the car (3 people), I accidentally brushed against him and felt a sense of familiarity again. Very odd. From then on, I have been curious about him. 

Part 1: The Awkward Ascend 

In the beginning, I could feel J's apprehension of getting closer. I attribute it to his fear of deep connections that would lead to relationships. He had difficulty getting over a close friend and recently walked out of a relationship because he couldn't feel the same emotional intensity as the aforementioned. And in his head, he started comparing the two. He decided to break up out of respect for the new love. 

I have always been cognizant of this. And I wanted to give him time and space after I started developing feelings for him. Honestly, it's not easy for me to form and keep relationships because I'm selective. And with him, it was so easy breezy - no holds barred I could recount my day to him, my up-down emotions and share my deepest fears with him. 

He was (me getting over him) in my mind the perfect companion - he was sensitive, appealed to my artistic side and I loved getting to know about him. I loved how he values his family, champions for the community and is ever so caring to everyone (this is also my Harmatia right? - perhaps I took his generosity for affection mistakenly). 

I remember one time when he wrote me a card and stayed up to decorate it. I could tell he understood me and knew what appealed to my sensibilities. That I took notice. And the other time we went hiking cause I was upset over work, he brought watercolour brushes so we could paint. And I miss that, I miss all of that. I would have rewound time to relive those moments again. 

Part 2: The Dramatic Descend 

I wasn't sure how to proceed on with this relationship without expressing my interest in him. Quite unexpectedly, he rejected my interest and said he didn't reciprocate my affection and he didn't think we'll make a good match. Of course, I was devastated. I didn't really know what to do after but our relationship soured acutely. 

He started to reply less frequently and I took offence at that. I confronted him about that and it strained whatever remains of this friendship. I have always felt bad about it. Thinking bad, he was excited to hear from me whenever I reached out. I should have been less abrasive and rash about the confrontations. 

He suggested we stopped being friends. After the quarrels. We stopped interacting for 4-5 months. 

Part 3: Doomed Fate Sealed 

A part of me has always wanted us to go back to those days were good friends, always encouraging each other and always having someone to fall back on, at the end of the day. I really tried to repair this friendship the best I could. Helping him in all ways possible and wanting to be there for him.

At 9PM, I saw his telegram profile was a couple's image and was shell-shocked. I couldn't process my emotions well and had to ask him if he has found another. Quite ironically, they went skating together, which is one activity that he suggested we should do. 

It made me feel replaceable, like the relationship we had was nothing. 

I pined for him, but it clearly wasn't mutual. 

But I guess ultimately in life, what is yours will be meant to be yours? 

What isn't will always remain out of reach. 

Perhaps I will come back to this entry again after I have reached some kind of conclusion of how I want to proceed from here. But right now, my mind draws a blank and my heart is sore. 

Update: I have decided to lay down my grief, and come to the understanding through a romantic relationship is entirely out of the question, a sense of familiarity that we'll always understand each other deeply lingered. And then perhaps that's all the solace I need. 

Hello, many iterations of Myself!

It's been years since I made a proper entry, so here's one to catalogue my process growing up. I like looking back at these entries - they are like the pages you dog-eared in your old book, and you'll never chance upon them, until months or years later when you are spring cleaning perhaps. 

Hello to my old self (12 -17 y.o.) 

Honestly, how is it possible for a 13 years old child like yourself to be weighed down by so much? I can't decide if I want to commend you for your maturity or ache for the burden that you saddled on your shoulders. I sincerely thank you for being a brave child. Growing up wasn't easy, I know - the journey proved menacing and lonesome, and you made regrettable mistakes along the way. However, I know that you did the best you could at that given pint; and I know that in any endeavours you took - you at least gave it your best shot. I wouldn't expect anything less from you.

And with each passing year, you started to learn about yourself, you realised your follies and inadequacies; and you strived to improve upon them. Although it took you slightly longer than others, your present self would tell you that you have arrived at a comfortable place - where you love yourself, and you understand your own value. Although it would have taken you approximately another 8 years to realise your self-worth, these tough, yet formative years will always be a part you. Part of your life experience that would go on to serve you better in the future.

Also... yeah, I know you feel out of place and awkward at this part of your life. But trust me, this solitude would emerge to become independent, and you'll have like-minded companions really soon. With this, perhaps you'll appreciate them more and realise how important it is to have valuable relationships in your life.

Hello to my present self (18-21 y.o)

Thank you for never letting the baggage of the past drag you down. At times, the world and people can seem to be so unfriendly and cold, but yet, you never once gave up. I really can't thank you enough for that. For these past 3 years, your growth has probably been catalysed by a bad experience. I can't tell you for sure if these emotional wounds have healed, or whether you will completely forget about them (try as you might). But I can assure you that it definitely made you stronger, and possibly a better person. 

Although sometimes, negative thought and emotions start swirling in you. You insist that they are part of the past, and you never let yourself be engulfed by them again. Ultimately, you have matured now - both mentally and emotionally. I love how you carry yourself now - you used to be so unsure about your identity, and the perception you have of yourself is disparaging, to say the least. And now, you strive only to be your truest and most authentic self. No longer at the mercy of your self-criticism or trying to fit into a certain image, just because you are unsure. I think you witness it for yourself - especially when people of the past catch up with you again. You think about how they used to make you feel, and you no longer feel entitled to please them. Perhaps you have become more brazen? 

Well, not that its a bad thing. But just like every juncture of your life, you are never perfect, never rid of misgivings and flaws. You can only accept them humbly and strive to correct them. Haha, your possible area of improvement would probably to reduce some of that roughness, and keep an open mind about people. Yeah probably your past has something to do with this; but still, its no valid excuse to stop you from becoming more accepting and forgiving of others. 

I truly hope that when your future self comes back to see this, you've improved upon this :) 

Hello to my future self (21 y.o and onwards) 

I hope you set out to do what you have always wanted to. As usual, I know you'll probably face a great many difficulties, but you'll always find a way to go forth and conquer them somehow. I know you will. I hope you come back to read this blog post and realized how much you have learned, experiences and lived since this last entry. I know you'll always try your darndest, and I appreciate you, however, the outcome may look like. 

xoxo

Getting things off my chest

Recently, I am feeling a mixed bag of emotions. Anger, Jealousy, Anxiety and Moody are some adjectives that have been brewing inside of me. I have this deep yearning within that demands greater change, to some extent, even excitement in my life. For someone who tags her self-worth to her accomplishments, University life has thrown me completely off balance. There is always someone out there who is prettier, brighter and more successful and I am reduced to a heap of fumbling mess. 

But still, I feel that releasing my moods and emotions is necessary for me. 

Always give and forgive 

I'll admit that I am a tardy person with much inertia that prevents me from doing the right thing. Honestly, I am not sure if it has something to do with my psychological health, but i am going to take better care of my body and go for counselling during the holidays.

In my whole life, I feel that this inertia from within has prevented me from achieving greater things in life and forging closer bonds with those around me. Also, I might have disappointed a lot of people. Therefore, I should be treated and recover to be a better person. I hope to let go of all my emotional baggage as well.

Lastly, I should not take things for granted and put in more effort to excel in studies. Don't allow your mindset to hinder you from achieving greater things in your life. 

Discover new passions and hobbies. So during the holidays, I will commit myself to a start-up internship, pick up photography, and discover more of my passions and interests. 

I also have a bad habit of forming prior judgement of people and this loosely translates to me keeping them at an arm's length away. But still, still feels kinda difficult for me to connect to people emotionally. I don't know why. Trying to work on it, but boy its difficult!

Here's wishing that i'll be less critical of myself!